Description
Dramatis Personae
Claire, a bored housewife in her forties
Mike, her husband
Sandra, a girl from the tennis club
Geoff, a man from the judo club
Cindy, Claire and Mike’s student daughter
Steve, Cindy’s boyfriend
Constable, Sandra’s father
Granny, Claire’s mother
Medic 1, answers the first emergency call
Medic 2, the ambulance driver
Act One
14A Devonshire Street, Early One Evening, April 1985
The action is set entirely in the living room of the first floor flat at the above address. There are five exits from this room; a door UR leads into the bedroom a door UL leads into the kitchen, a door UCL leads to the hall. A second bedroom and the bathroom are off this hall, which leads to the front door. A window CR overlooks the garden and an entrance DL opens onto a small balcony containing a garden chair and small table. There are two cupboards US just to R of C. There are five pieces of furniture in this room; two armchairs CL and CR, a sofa just L of C, a coffee table in front of the sofa (with magazines on it and two bottles of sherry underneath) and a small table against the US wall with a table-cloth vase of flowers’ an answer-machine and a telephone. There is a doorbell on the US wall with cables leading into the wall towards the front door. The coffee table is strewn with gardening and ladies’ magazines as well as two sets of car-keys. Mike and Claire are in their forties and are finding life rather humdrum now that the children have all left home. They have both joined different evening classes in an endeavour to spice up their lives. Mike has joined a tennis group and Claire has started Judo, both on the same night – tonight. The spice takes the form of Sandra, a fit and attractive blonde, whom Mike has met at tennis and Geoff, a rather ordinary guy who, like Claire, has taken up judo. Claire sits reading a magazine.
(Enter Mike, in his tennis gear.)
CLAIRE: Are you still here, darling? I thought you’d already gone to tennis.
MIKE: As you can see, I haven’t. I’m not even sure I’ve got the energy tonight.
CLAIRE: Oh, come on honey, isn’t it mixed doubles today?
MIKE: Yes, but what difference does that make?
CLAIRE: Well, doesn’t the thought of those fit young girls in short white skirts make you raring to go?
MIKE: I beg your pardon?
CLAIRE: Well, you know…
MIKE: (Acting decorously) No, I do not know! I can’t say I’ve noticed any fit girls at tennis.
CLAIRE: (Sniggering violently) My goodness, then you must be getting short-sighted in middle age.
MIKE: I certainly am not! I can read newspaper print at a hundred yards.
CLAIRE: Can you indeed! Then read this paragraph to me. (Holding up the magazine and indicating the paragraph.)
MIKE: (Seriously flustered) I…I…well… um… ah…
CLAIRE: There you are, you see; you can’t read it, can you? MIKE It’s the italic font…. and … and the green background. You know I’m colour blind to red and green.
CLAIRE: Oh, the crosses men have to bear!
MIKE: Now that’s unfair; you know that I’m suffering from arthritis and lumbago and a trapped…
CLAIRE: I know, I have to listen to the same excuses every Friday night. That doesn’t mean it’s true.
MIKE: Now just look here… (ponders) Anyway, what about the men at your Judo club? They can’t be wimps can they? I mean it’s not a tiddlywinks club.
CLAIRE: My mind is totally focused on the judo moves, as it happens. I have no time to notice the men.
MIKE: What, even when they grab you around the waist, throw you to the floor and pin you down? (He gestures and she notices his hand.)
CLAIRE: Mike, you’re not wearing your wedding ring. Why have you taken it off?
MIKE: I… I… well, you know, it rubs against the racquet when I play.
CLAIRE: But you’re right handed and you wear your wedding ring on the left.
MIKE: What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
CLAIRE: (Looks at her watch) Goodness, is that the time? I must get changed – and you must go, or you’ll be late.
MIKE: Goodbye dear; back about eleven. (Blows her a kiss and exits.)
CLAIRE: (Giving a hefty sigh as the front door slams) Goodbye, darling. Don’t have a fatal accident on the way. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, about to get changed. (She hums to herself as she exits R to the bedroom.)
(The telephone rings but we hear Claire singing. Clearly she has not heard the phone. The answer-machine cuts in.)
MACHINE: We are sorry we are unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone and we will call you as soon as possible. (tone)
SANDRA: (On the phone, in a sexy voice) Hello, Mike, Sandra here. I hope you haven’t left yet. I’ve just arrived at the club and it’s flooded – so tennis is off. Please come down to the club and pick me up anyway. I would like to suggest some alternative …. extra-curricular activity, as we have a free evening. Perhaps we could go to your place? Bye for now.
(There is a kissing sound then a click as she rings off. Noises off – Mike driving away.)
(Enter Claire, still singing, and now dressed in judo gear.)
CLAIRE: (Goes to exit then stops.) Silly me, I won’t get far without the car keys, will I! (Crosses to the coffee table and picks up her keys.) (As she nears the door she looks at the answer-machine and goes as if to press the button.) Oh, I’d better leave it switched on – Cindy might phone from college.
(She exits, jingling her keys and still singing. The front door slams and the phone rings immediately. The answer-machine cuts in.)
MACHINE: We are sorry we are unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone and we will call you as soon as possible. (tone)
GEOFF: (On the phone, sounding rather nervous.) Hello, darling! It’s…. it’s….it’s me, Geoff. If you haven’t left yet, please p…p…pick up the phone. (silence) Oh hell, I suppose you’ve already left. Well, In case you’re in the bathroom or something, I was just phoning to say that J…J…Judo has been cancelled – damned power cut. There goes our evening together. Unless – I say, I could come round to your place for a… a…. coffee. That is… if you would like me to. Anyhow, I’ll see you outside the judo hall. Bye for now. (Click as he hangs up.)
(Noises off – Claire’s car driving off. Phone rings and answer-machine cuts in.)
MACHINE: We are sorry we are unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone and we will call you as soon as possible. (tone)
CINDY: (On the phone) Mum, Dad are you there? Just to let you know I’m coming home from college a week early – tonight, in fact. Please will you come and give me a lift from the station? Dad? I know you’re in ‘cos you never go out any more! I’ll be on the 7.30 from Waterloo. Please pick me up. Thanks, Dad. I love you. (Hangs up).
(The front door slams and we hear a girl giggle. Enter Mike pulling Sandra in by the hand.)
SANDRA: Oh, Mike, nice pad you have here. (They embrace and kiss.) Just right for a love-nest. What a shame you live alone.
MIKE: Well this is our living room and over here is the kitchen.
SANDRA: You said ‘our’!
MIKE: Slip of the tongue; I meant ‘my’. The spare bedroom and the bathroom are back along the hall.
SANDRA: And where’s your bedroom, Mike? (cuddling up to him.)
MIKE: Oh, that’s just over here, but would you not like a coffee or something.
SANDRA: Just the ‘or something’ will do. I’ll have a coffee later. Come on Romeo – show me the way. (She pushes him towards the bedroom.)
(They exit into the bedroom, the door slams and we immediately hear giggling sounds from within. Noises off of front door closing quietly.
Enter Claire, followed by a nervous Geoff.)
GEOFF: This is very cosy – I like it very much. (Looks out of window.) And what a lovely garden you have. I do like gardening.
CLAIRE: Oh, so do I. Hence, the gardening magazines. I’ll just make some coffee. (She exits to kitchen.)
GEOFF: (Picking up a magazine and reading silently for a few moments as he settles into a chair.) Are you any good with plant diseases? I have a real problem with my Nelly Moser wilting.
CLAIRE: (Appearing at the door.) No, but I do suffer from fungus on my hypericum.
GEOFF: I suppose we should go to see a plant doctor together, eh? (He chuckles)
CLAIRE: Black or white?
GEOFF: I don’t care where he’s from a long as he can speak English.
CLAIRE: Would you like milk and sugar – in your coffee?
GEOFF: Oh yes, very pale and sweet, if I may. Just like me. (Sniggers. Geoff quotes from the magazine.)
GEOFF: Hey listen to this: there’s an African plant that can cure cramps; it’s called cryptocarya latifolia, commonly known as umkhondweni. I would have thought that just saying the name could cause you cramps in your mouth. (Chuckles)
(Enter Claire)
CLAIRE: Your coffee, sir. Just as you like it. (Puts the two coffees on the coffee table.)
Cont…
Performance History
Yellowbrick Productions, Jermyn Street Theatre, London, England
Grasmere, Australia
