Baron Stoneybroke (pronounced Stonybrook)
Grizelda and Esmirelda, the ugly sisters
Popper, Button’s bad
Zip, his brother
Velchro, his Mum
Pansy, the Prince’s brother
Maledictus, the executioner
Earl of Hitchin
Duke of Kudos
M.C. at the ball
Butterflies and other animals, dancers
Little Red Riding Hood
Dancers at the ball
The Kitchens at Stoneybroke Castle
SONG 1: Whistle While You Work (Chorus of Servants and Cooks)
(During the song there is a comic routine with mops. At the end of the song Buttons is slapped in the face by a mop and ends up flat on the floor)
BUTTONS: Hey, what did you do that for, Zip, you fool.
ZIP: Gee, I’m sorry Buttons, I guess we still need to practise the end of the dance before the opening night.
BUTTONS: What do you mean ‘before the opening night’? Have you forgotten, This IS the opening night.
ZIP: What! You mean… (He gestures coyly towards audience)
BUTTONS: Yes, I do mean… (Mimics gesture)
(Zip shields his eyes and looks F.O.H.)
ZIP: Oh my Lord! (He runs and hides behind tabs)
BUTTONS: I’m sorry about my kid brother, ladies and gentlemen. He wasn’t around when the brains were dished out. I had his share. But, how rude of me, I’ve not introduced myself: I’m BUTTONS. I live and work here in the castle for Baron Stoneybroke. I’m his exchequer. It’s a bit like a retired accountant. You see, I used to check his money for him and now he doesn’t have any money I’m his ex-checker. I’m good at Maths, you see. I bet you like Maths at school don’t you boys and girls. If I’d been born a nobleman I’d have been a count. A COUNT! (Counts on his fingers) Never mind! Oh and this is my brother, Zip. (Pulls Zip out from behind tab, by the ear). My mum and dad, Popper and Velchro work in the kitchens too. (They step forward and bow)
POPPER: At your service. (Buttons produces a parcel from the wings)
VELCHRO: Oh Buttons, you’ve bought me a present, how thoughtful of you.
BUTTONS: Well, er… actually it’s not for you this time, Mum, it’s for… Cinderella. (To audience) Just wait till you meet Cinderella boys and girls, she’s gorgeous. (Whispered) And I’m going to ask her to marry me.
VELCHRO: (Loudly) To marry YOU!
BUTTONS: (Looking around) Shhhh! Someone’ll hear you.
VELCHRO: But Buttons, she’ll never agree to marry you. (Buttons looks shocked)
ZIP: No, you’re too poor. (Ah) (Buttons winces at each remark, finally sinking to his knees)
POPPER: And too short. (Ah!)
VELCHRO: You can’t read or write.
ZIP: And you crack your knuckles in bed.
(Buttons cracks his knuckles – loud sound effect)
See what I mean.
BUTTONS: But I love her (Ah!) and I think she loves me too. (Laughter) Boys and girls, if I put this present here will you look after it for me? And you’ll tell me if anyone tries to take it? Just call BUTTONS! Thank you I knew I could rely on you. (aside) I can’t trust any of this lot.
BUTLER: Quickly, back to work everyone, the Baron is coming. Not that we ever get paid for working here. The Baron is too poor, but he won’t admit it. We work for nothing, for old time’s sake.
BARON: Good day to you all my loyal and trusty servants!
ALL: Good Day to you Baron.
BARON: My, you have got this place looking spick and span. Buttons, give everyone a rise, they deserve it.
BUTTONS: Certainly, thank you, Baron.
VELCHRO: What does he mean a rise? He doesn’t pay us anything anyway.
BARON: I beg your pardon Madam.
POPPER: Nothing…nothing, My Lord. She was merely expressing her gratitude.
BARON: You’re very welcome, Madam, I’m sure. Now what did I come down here for….Oh yes. of course, I was looking for my two lovely daughters, Grizelda and Esmirelda. Has anyone seen them.
ZIP: If they had they’d have run the other way.
BUTLER: But why do you seek them in the kitchens, Sir? They are household, not servants.
BARON: Oh I know that, Butler, but you know how they love their food. I thought they might be on the scrounge again. (He looks around for them)
ZIP: Do you know, I saw Grizelda eating with her knife the other day.
POPPER: Yes and when the Baron told her it was not polite she said she can’t eat with her fork because it leaks.
VELCHRO: Esmirelda didn’t know whether she should stir her tea with her left or right hand.
ZIP: I told her to use her spoon.
BUTLER: Do you know they always say prayers before dinner upstairs.
VELCHRO: Why, don’t they trust the cook?
BARON: It’s no use, I can’t find them. If you see them send them to the west tower would you.
BUTTONS: Sure, we’ll send them, via Australia.
(Enter Cinderella. Servants carry on with their chores)
BUTTONS: Cinderella, where on earth have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you.
CINDERS: Oh, I’ve just been here and there, no place in particular. (Looks glum)
ZIP: Why, Cinders, what on earth is the matter? I’ve never seen you looking so unhappy.
CINDERS: Can’t you guess? I’m dressed in rags by those step-sisters of mine and treated as a servant. I work day and night cleaning the castle and clearing up their mess after them.
CINDERS: How will I ever find myself a rich handsome nobleman to marry?
BUTTONS: Well, I’m not rich, perhaps I’m not handsome and I’m certainly not noble, but I am a man! (Kneels at her feet ) Marry me Cinders and all your troubles will be over.
CINDERS: Dear Buttons, you’re so sweet but I can’t marry you. You see, father’s marriage contract will only allow me to marry a man of noble blood. Oh, how I wish father had never re-married after mother died.
ZIP: Yes, look what he inherited; two of the ugliest creatures you could ever find. Worse than anything in the London Dungeon.
BUTTONS: Don’t you worry your little head, Cinders, I’ll think of something, you’ll see.
SONG 2 Give a Little Whistle
BUTTONS: Come on, Cinders, let’s go and put our heads together. I’m sure we can sort this whole thing out.
(Loud noises off)
Look out folks; here come the dynamic duo now; a subtle entrance as usual. Quick, let’s go.
(They exit. Grizelda and Esmirelda enter from the other side- boos)
GRIZELDA: How about the prince’s tall squire. He’s very handsome. I wouldn’t mind being caught on a dark night by him. (Cackles of laughter)
ESMIRELDA: Don’t be ridiculous, Grizelda, why you’re so short, the first time you tried to kiss him you would have to stand on a box. (All laugh)
GRIZELDA: Hey, who told you you could laugh. No-one laughs at us without permission.
ESMIRELDA: And don’t you forget it you old windbags. You know the difference between a pantomime audience and a cow with laryngitis, don’t you.
GRIZELDA: Yes, one boos madly and the other moos badly! (Shrieks of laughter)
ESMIRELDA: Hey, Grizelda, there’s a boy down there still laughing at us. Right there, do you see him.
GRIZELDA: What, that really ugly one there on the end of the row.
ESMIRELDA: No you idiot that’s Mary’s mum.
GRIZELDA: Really? I never knew she had a beard.
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Trinity Church, Winterton, England
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Henry Maynard Junior School, Walthamstow, London
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13th St Albans Guides, St Albans, England
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St Michael’s Primary School, Belfast, Northern Ireland
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